I know this is ultimately about your experience with your son being incarcerated, but I just came to say how sorry I am for the trauma you endured as a child. And thank goodness for your elephant grandad.
Thank you for your heart. This was, by far, the most personal essay I've posted here and yes, a story that extends beyond my son and his current circumstances. Write what hurts, right? 😉
I cannot imagine what they went through as grandparents and ALL the issues that piled on their hearts in the 90's. How they stood so strong and steadfast is a value I still need to find. I always noticed that when we walked into their home, grandma went right for my husband! She admired a strong family man. If he was missing...well, the kids and I were second best. Where is he? Working?! Okay...give him a hug for me, next time he needs to be here 😉. Look at their family line now and ALL the cycles we are trying to break 😊 Horrific childhood events (that we still live with) and somehow... overcoming. I give so much credit to them. Our mothers, through life altering events, were endlessly supported by a strong parental, spiritual duo.
Such truth! I think of grandpa and his refusal to talk bad about people. I think about how he did not seem to have any vices. I think about how he must have wanted to yell at times and the worst he would do is say a name and that was enough. He was powerful without any force. I admire him so much these days. ☺️
I love the part about your grandpa. Admitting he wasn't perfect, but at least intentionally present. Even if he didn't get it "right" all of the time, his intentionality can surpass any mistakes or wrongs.
Bridget - this brought tears to my eyes. I’ve seen this played out in my husband’s life (though his dad was more forcibly ostracized by his vindictive mom, than a chosen absentee…unfortunately the absence, , still mattered).
Here is a ray of hope - my husband (a lifer on full parole) is stopping this cycle, giving it everything he has, so that his children will always have him there.
We waited to have children until the time he was on the street (so we started our family later in life). And it was worth it.
He is here. He is showing up.
And my 4 Year old daughter just wrote him a Father’s Day that says “dad, i love you with all my heart”. And she does. Because he’s showing up.
I'm cheering for your daughter, you, and her dad. That's an awesome example and I'm excited for all of you. I think my son will be an incredible dad some day. I love forward to seeing him break cycles. 🖤
I love your grandad! There is something beautiful when a man leans into softness when the world worked hard to make him otherwise.
Also- I have to say that though I hate the trauma it brought you, I can’t even be too hard on your mom’s response to your sick fuck of a stepdad.
My maternal grandfather was a prolific pedophile. He raped my sibling when they were age 12. His wife, my truly disgusting POS grandmother, said they ‘seduced’ him 🤮🤮. My mother’s immediate response to this was putting her father in jail (my dad’s was closer to your mom’s). In the 1970s. That didn’t happen. He didn’t end up serving any time, but that wasn’t for lack of trying on my parents’ part. My mom putting her father in jail fractured the entire family, despite her sister’s nervous breakdown because of what was done to her as a child came flooding back. Turns out this man preyed on so many girls. I’m much younger than my sibling, and I of course wasn’t allowed to be around my grandparents, thankfully. It disgusts me to this day how my family holds them in almost sacred light. It’s gross, and I absolutely will speak ill of the dead. But my mom doing the hard thing that cost her that day stuck with me.
So I’m sure I don’t know the whole story, but that particular tidbit about your mom puts her in certified bad-ass status in my book.
Love this. My mom is badass. For better and for worse, she's always stood up when she needed to. She didn't stand for any nonsense from men and I'm grateful for that example.
Hi Bridget, I found you via Writing Room. Bounced to this after Confession #21. You're a wonderful writer — I'm glad to have found such a talented WR member who's dedicated to personal essays. As I wrote in WR, your honesty is inspiring. Thank you!
When I think back to the repeated 4 hour bus rides from NYC to Otisville Federal visiting a long time friend and on and off boyfriend, you're right. Women and children. I don't remember men, boy children maybe, but the only grown man that comes to mind was the driver. They made us stand in front of a sunny window so determine if they could see through our skirts, dresses or shirts despite the fact that visitation was a in room with no natural light of any kind.
This is a back to the future years in the making nightmare 💔that changed the course of my life! I received a pre-law Bachelor’s degree in 1991 to understand how a law abiding mom (yours) could be arrested, charged and convicted of a crime she did not commit!! The system FAILED you and your family for over a decade and caused unspeakable lifelong harm to you and your 3 siblings 😭 The same system chugs on psychologically, mentally, physically and emotionally destroying countless unsuspecting children, parents, families, etc. I’m indebted to you for sharing and filling in some of the blanks…
Side Note: Around the same time your grandparents gave me a safe haven after rescuing me from a tyrant who left me broken and inhuman. Their unconditional love brought me back from the brink of despair. They were ALWAYS there for ALL their children, their grandchildren and the large extended family!!! They are my #1 HEROES ❤️🙏✝️
I know this is ultimately about your experience with your son being incarcerated, but I just came to say how sorry I am for the trauma you endured as a child. And thank goodness for your elephant grandad.
Thank you for your heart. This was, by far, the most personal essay I've posted here and yes, a story that extends beyond my son and his current circumstances. Write what hurts, right? 😉
I cannot imagine what they went through as grandparents and ALL the issues that piled on their hearts in the 90's. How they stood so strong and steadfast is a value I still need to find. I always noticed that when we walked into their home, grandma went right for my husband! She admired a strong family man. If he was missing...well, the kids and I were second best. Where is he? Working?! Okay...give him a hug for me, next time he needs to be here 😉. Look at their family line now and ALL the cycles we are trying to break 😊 Horrific childhood events (that we still live with) and somehow... overcoming. I give so much credit to them. Our mothers, through life altering events, were endlessly supported by a strong parental, spiritual duo.
Such truth! I think of grandpa and his refusal to talk bad about people. I think about how he did not seem to have any vices. I think about how he must have wanted to yell at times and the worst he would do is say a name and that was enough. He was powerful without any force. I admire him so much these days. ☺️
I love the part about your grandpa. Admitting he wasn't perfect, but at least intentionally present. Even if he didn't get it "right" all of the time, his intentionality can surpass any mistakes or wrongs.
Thanks, Brandi. He was all the difference in my life.
Chilling facts that we should all know and be inspired to change.
Yes, ma'am. We have stayed silent far too long about things that are happening too often, to too many.
Bridget - this brought tears to my eyes. I’ve seen this played out in my husband’s life (though his dad was more forcibly ostracized by his vindictive mom, than a chosen absentee…unfortunately the absence, , still mattered).
Here is a ray of hope - my husband (a lifer on full parole) is stopping this cycle, giving it everything he has, so that his children will always have him there.
We waited to have children until the time he was on the street (so we started our family later in life). And it was worth it.
He is here. He is showing up.
And my 4 Year old daughter just wrote him a Father’s Day that says “dad, i love you with all my heart”. And she does. Because he’s showing up.
I'm cheering for your daughter, you, and her dad. That's an awesome example and I'm excited for all of you. I think my son will be an incredible dad some day. I love forward to seeing him break cycles. 🖤
I love your grandad! There is something beautiful when a man leans into softness when the world worked hard to make him otherwise.
Also- I have to say that though I hate the trauma it brought you, I can’t even be too hard on your mom’s response to your sick fuck of a stepdad.
My maternal grandfather was a prolific pedophile. He raped my sibling when they were age 12. His wife, my truly disgusting POS grandmother, said they ‘seduced’ him 🤮🤮. My mother’s immediate response to this was putting her father in jail (my dad’s was closer to your mom’s). In the 1970s. That didn’t happen. He didn’t end up serving any time, but that wasn’t for lack of trying on my parents’ part. My mom putting her father in jail fractured the entire family, despite her sister’s nervous breakdown because of what was done to her as a child came flooding back. Turns out this man preyed on so many girls. I’m much younger than my sibling, and I of course wasn’t allowed to be around my grandparents, thankfully. It disgusts me to this day how my family holds them in almost sacred light. It’s gross, and I absolutely will speak ill of the dead. But my mom doing the hard thing that cost her that day stuck with me.
So I’m sure I don’t know the whole story, but that particular tidbit about your mom puts her in certified bad-ass status in my book.
Love this. My mom is badass. For better and for worse, she's always stood up when she needed to. She didn't stand for any nonsense from men and I'm grateful for that example.
Hi Bridget, I found you via Writing Room. Bounced to this after Confession #21. You're a wonderful writer — I'm glad to have found such a talented WR member who's dedicated to personal essays. As I wrote in WR, your honesty is inspiring. Thank you!
Oh yeah, a fellow WRer! Thank you so much for finding me and for this kindness. Looking forward to getting to know you more.
When I think back to the repeated 4 hour bus rides from NYC to Otisville Federal visiting a long time friend and on and off boyfriend, you're right. Women and children. I don't remember men, boy children maybe, but the only grown man that comes to mind was the driver. They made us stand in front of a sunny window so determine if they could see through our skirts, dresses or shirts despite the fact that visitation was a in room with no natural light of any kind.
That was love, you doing that. Friend or otherwise, to keep going back over the distance was selfless. 🖤
This is a back to the future years in the making nightmare 💔that changed the course of my life! I received a pre-law Bachelor’s degree in 1991 to understand how a law abiding mom (yours) could be arrested, charged and convicted of a crime she did not commit!! The system FAILED you and your family for over a decade and caused unspeakable lifelong harm to you and your 3 siblings 😭 The same system chugs on psychologically, mentally, physically and emotionally destroying countless unsuspecting children, parents, families, etc. I’m indebted to you for sharing and filling in some of the blanks…
Side Note: Around the same time your grandparents gave me a safe haven after rescuing me from a tyrant who left me broken and inhuman. Their unconditional love brought me back from the brink of despair. They were ALWAYS there for ALL their children, their grandchildren and the large extended family!!! They are my #1 HEROES ❤️🙏✝️
They sure did rescue a lot of us in the depths. It makes me both thankful and sad. 🖤