There is something to be said about gratitude, but I often sit in the camp of: can we just say this fucking sucks? Because lots of things in life really flat out suck. And I think we miss the boat if we are constantly in gratitude. I am mostly an optimist, but also a realist. Sometimes shit just sucks and there is no way around it.
Also, I would love to get together with you in a room and smash some shit with a baseball bat! A few months ago I bought a punching bag and it has been the best thing I have ever done. I have somewhere to take my rage and it feels so good.
You get to be "addicted to depressing things", angry and grateful all at once. Or not grateful if you don't feel it.
My point of view (and I don't live with you, so I know it's different), but I see you as someone dedicated to a fight. And with that comes rage, grief and all of the things.
Trust that whatever feelings come up for you are right. Maybe we should create a "This Sucks" journal. Haha.
I have gratitude for your very muscular middle finger. You are brave and strong and smart. We are fortunate to have you and your mood wailing on these facts and figures that demonstrate the failures of our criminal justice system.
I wish like hell that life had not given you, your son, your family this experience. I wish your son was celebrating the holidays w you & the rest of your family, and that you were not forced by circumstances to live your life in pieces -- part of you here, nice face, making happy holiday memories for the family, while another part of you is aching and sore and crying and beside your son in the prison. I thank you for sharing. Your writing is top-notch! This sentence -- E"ven this blog is like that picture box affixed to the railing of a rollercoaster that snaps my face in intervals along the terrifying climbs and sickening plunges of the ride."-- says & conveys so much.
I can always count on you to give me a huge deep breath in the comments (and the will to keep going). Thank you for the kindness of being willing to step into my perspective and to feel with me. Some day is coming!
Excellent again B! I’ve driven that stretch of lonely, dark, unfamiliar highway to visit your son, my grandson, and remember the suffering of your grandmother, my mom! In all of this - thank you for reminding me of gratitudes because I almost forgot them myself….. you will survive, he will survive and so will I! Thank you for writing this personal painful prison story - let’s keep hoping and praying it will end soon! May 2026 be the year of his release and new beginnings for which I will place on my gratitude list next to your name! How grateful I am you are writing, sharing, writing more each week and hanging on! Keep going because it matters!!! 💙✍️🙏👏❤️
The ability to feel, to see the nuance in the triumphant and the tragic, is a gift and a curse. Many people would never give the ridiculousness of those signs a second thought, would probably never be able to articulate the pain of your experience, the tragic nature of it, or the small rays of light in an otherwise dark and desolate set of circumstances.
I’m grateful for the perspective you provide on the darker aspects of existence, for how your writing pierces the superficial and takes us into the most important layers of the human condition, for how you share your personal tragedy in a unique way that informs and inspires (as opposed to grandstanding and deflating).
For my money, this is some of the most powerful writing on this platform. It’s your connection to reality that drives it- your willingness to look at what is and try to fully understand it, ultimately helping us all to do the same.
Today, I contemplated the relevance of my blog. I questioned if my writing is enough; I have been entertaining the ‘need’ to conform to video content or other offerings to ‘attract’ readers. Your comment here brought me to tears and reminded me why I write at all. You saved me from turning a direction away from just simply telling this story with all that I have. I could not be more grateful for this gift. Thank you so very much.
Your posts always give me a lot to think about. I find you very relatable even though my kids are still in high school and so far have not seemed interested in drugs. But I was dabbling at their age and far beyond, and my dad spent find years in prison for drug trafficking and lived his whole life addicted and abusing substances. My biggest fear is always that my kids will turn out like him, but the way you explain what it’s like from a dedicated parent pov is just so heartbreaking and feels so wrong. Wrong that this is the way we deal with people who lose themselves to addiction.
Your feelings of anger and resentment are valid, but as you know, finding gratitude is sometimes the only thing that keeps things from going into full darkness.
Hang in there there, sister. I’m pulling for you and your son, and for this nightmare to be over very soon.
Your presence here is so important to me. Those of us who have made it our of patterns of addiction histories watch our kids differently. We hope and pray and watch the fates do what they will because if I could have stopped any of this, I certainly would have. I ache for all of the parents who worry, who've lost the battle, who are afraid they will. Love still wins, though. No matter what. 🖤
I was also going to suggest that we take the gratitude “fad” or “trope” and turn it on its head. Quote some male psychologist that everyone has globbed onto and promote the idea that gratitude is out, and bitter anger and complaining is actually better for your health. Let’s run that up the flagpole and see if it flies!
I have seen those signs in the so called middle of nowhere and wondered about them. They do give the impression that there are hundreds of escaped prisoners out there in the woods. It feels a bit like the thrill of a suspense movie coupled with the grim knowledge that it’s as far from Hollywood as you can get. The more I read of your blog, and other blogs about injustice, pain and suffering - often chronic illness or disability or poverty - I wonder what percentage of the population is actually doing ok? Thriving even? I just read in another blog that was commenting on the chaotic and violent state of the USA from across the border in Canada, that most of us just want to go to work, raise our kids and have a peaceful life. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were the bare minimum that everyone experienced? What is so wrong is that those of us who are suffering in a deep way, who have lost our freedom, are stuck in a dead end - often get there because of others greed and obsession with having more. I think some of the worst of those people are the ones who suck blood out of the government and out of us humans, and who take advantage of the government’s “mandate” to care for the sickest, the saddest and the most hopeless by making huge profits from “providing” these “services” in a predatory way. The people - who are in private business but bid on government contracts for things like PPE and customer phone systems for jails and prisons, etc etc. - those are the real parasites. They deliver a shoddy, often broken service to a captive audience and often cause more misery than anyone of us innocents could dream of. I don’t know why I went off on that tangent, but I guess it’s to say that people who haven’t experienced the aching coldness and punitiveness of the prison system also contemplate these questions and you and your son in an estimation of respect and empathy. And righteous anger too. I have worked in social services for 30 plus years and often with people who are homeless and now i find myself needing to shout even louder about the fact that personal failings or mental illness or whatever it is are less the cause of mass homelessness in our rich communities- like the one I live near- than corporate greed, the economy that’s punishes the humble and poor and rewards the greedy. And that’s what sickens me. And that’s one reason your son is still in prison. Corporate greed, moral bankruptcy and turning away from what is painful to see. I came here from a post about gratitude. It’s hard to be grateful in circumstances such as yours. I’m grateful I get to read powerful writing such as yours, and others I subscribe to. I wish you didn’t have anything to write about of course. I like this corner of the internet because it’s inhabited by thinkers and writers who take their time. Who aren’t just sound bites. I don’t remember sound bites but I do remember what I read here. I’m sorry for the long comment. Writing them once upon a time in Blogland prompted me to start my own blog, but so far I haven’t here. I’m glad your new year blog is about telling things how they really are, and I hope that helps you. Hugs. 🤗
Thank you for your transparency, beautifully rendered through the pain you are experiencing. I’m grateful that you can the power you have with words to share this truth. 🙏
So honest and real - thank you for sharing how hard this really is with us, in the midst of the mess. Fascinating about prisons being good salesmen... and honestly awfully depressing too.
There is something to be said about gratitude, but I often sit in the camp of: can we just say this fucking sucks? Because lots of things in life really flat out suck. And I think we miss the boat if we are constantly in gratitude. I am mostly an optimist, but also a realist. Sometimes shit just sucks and there is no way around it.
Also, I would love to get together with you in a room and smash some shit with a baseball bat! A few months ago I bought a punching bag and it has been the best thing I have ever done. I have somewhere to take my rage and it feels so good.
You get to be "addicted to depressing things", angry and grateful all at once. Or not grateful if you don't feel it.
My point of view (and I don't live with you, so I know it's different), but I see you as someone dedicated to a fight. And with that comes rage, grief and all of the things.
Trust that whatever feelings come up for you are right. Maybe we should create a "This Sucks" journal. Haha.
I sit with you in this camp. 😉
I have gratitude for your very muscular middle finger. You are brave and strong and smart. We are fortunate to have you and your mood wailing on these facts and figures that demonstrate the failures of our criminal justice system.
Thanks, Billie. This one felt like a downer to me before publishing but I'm ultimately glad I sent it. It's the truth.
I wish like hell that life had not given you, your son, your family this experience. I wish your son was celebrating the holidays w you & the rest of your family, and that you were not forced by circumstances to live your life in pieces -- part of you here, nice face, making happy holiday memories for the family, while another part of you is aching and sore and crying and beside your son in the prison. I thank you for sharing. Your writing is top-notch! This sentence -- E"ven this blog is like that picture box affixed to the railing of a rollercoaster that snaps my face in intervals along the terrifying climbs and sickening plunges of the ride."-- says & conveys so much.
I can always count on you to give me a huge deep breath in the comments (and the will to keep going). Thank you for the kindness of being willing to step into my perspective and to feel with me. Some day is coming!
"Gratitude-through-grief is not cute."
Thank you for your post and your honesty.
Thank you for reading, and for your heart.
Even after all the hell I've seen and experienced in this world, I still believe in miracles and am believing in one for you.
Thank you! I need the ones who believe in miracles to stay close. 🖤
Your writing puts life in perspective for those of us who take simple things for granted, so let’s all be grateful for those simple things.
Amen and amen. The simple things are the best things.
Excellent again B! I’ve driven that stretch of lonely, dark, unfamiliar highway to visit your son, my grandson, and remember the suffering of your grandmother, my mom! In all of this - thank you for reminding me of gratitudes because I almost forgot them myself….. you will survive, he will survive and so will I! Thank you for writing this personal painful prison story - let’s keep hoping and praying it will end soon! May 2026 be the year of his release and new beginnings for which I will place on my gratitude list next to your name! How grateful I am you are writing, sharing, writing more each week and hanging on! Keep going because it matters!!! 💙✍️🙏👏❤️
Thank you for loving him so intensely. My prayers exactly.
Always! Forever!
The ability to feel, to see the nuance in the triumphant and the tragic, is a gift and a curse. Many people would never give the ridiculousness of those signs a second thought, would probably never be able to articulate the pain of your experience, the tragic nature of it, or the small rays of light in an otherwise dark and desolate set of circumstances.
I’m grateful for the perspective you provide on the darker aspects of existence, for how your writing pierces the superficial and takes us into the most important layers of the human condition, for how you share your personal tragedy in a unique way that informs and inspires (as opposed to grandstanding and deflating).
For my money, this is some of the most powerful writing on this platform. It’s your connection to reality that drives it- your willingness to look at what is and try to fully understand it, ultimately helping us all to do the same.
Thank you.
Today, I contemplated the relevance of my blog. I questioned if my writing is enough; I have been entertaining the ‘need’ to conform to video content or other offerings to ‘attract’ readers. Your comment here brought me to tears and reminded me why I write at all. You saved me from turning a direction away from just simply telling this story with all that I have. I could not be more grateful for this gift. Thank you so very much.
Your posts always give me a lot to think about. I find you very relatable even though my kids are still in high school and so far have not seemed interested in drugs. But I was dabbling at their age and far beyond, and my dad spent find years in prison for drug trafficking and lived his whole life addicted and abusing substances. My biggest fear is always that my kids will turn out like him, but the way you explain what it’s like from a dedicated parent pov is just so heartbreaking and feels so wrong. Wrong that this is the way we deal with people who lose themselves to addiction.
Your feelings of anger and resentment are valid, but as you know, finding gratitude is sometimes the only thing that keeps things from going into full darkness.
Hang in there there, sister. I’m pulling for you and your son, and for this nightmare to be over very soon.
Your presence here is so important to me. Those of us who have made it our of patterns of addiction histories watch our kids differently. We hope and pray and watch the fates do what they will because if I could have stopped any of this, I certainly would have. I ache for all of the parents who worry, who've lost the battle, who are afraid they will. Love still wins, though. No matter what. 🖤
Sadly, I can so relate to everything you wrote in this post!
There are no words, Rhonda, except that we're not alone. Sending you a huge hug.
I’m grateful for your authentic soul sharing and for connecting with you here.
Ditto. I'm so thankful to have met you through our experiences.
I love you.
*warm fuzzies. Love you too.
I was also going to suggest that we take the gratitude “fad” or “trope” and turn it on its head. Quote some male psychologist that everyone has globbed onto and promote the idea that gratitude is out, and bitter anger and complaining is actually better for your health. Let’s run that up the flagpole and see if it flies!
I have seen those signs in the so called middle of nowhere and wondered about them. They do give the impression that there are hundreds of escaped prisoners out there in the woods. It feels a bit like the thrill of a suspense movie coupled with the grim knowledge that it’s as far from Hollywood as you can get. The more I read of your blog, and other blogs about injustice, pain and suffering - often chronic illness or disability or poverty - I wonder what percentage of the population is actually doing ok? Thriving even? I just read in another blog that was commenting on the chaotic and violent state of the USA from across the border in Canada, that most of us just want to go to work, raise our kids and have a peaceful life. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were the bare minimum that everyone experienced? What is so wrong is that those of us who are suffering in a deep way, who have lost our freedom, are stuck in a dead end - often get there because of others greed and obsession with having more. I think some of the worst of those people are the ones who suck blood out of the government and out of us humans, and who take advantage of the government’s “mandate” to care for the sickest, the saddest and the most hopeless by making huge profits from “providing” these “services” in a predatory way. The people - who are in private business but bid on government contracts for things like PPE and customer phone systems for jails and prisons, etc etc. - those are the real parasites. They deliver a shoddy, often broken service to a captive audience and often cause more misery than anyone of us innocents could dream of. I don’t know why I went off on that tangent, but I guess it’s to say that people who haven’t experienced the aching coldness and punitiveness of the prison system also contemplate these questions and you and your son in an estimation of respect and empathy. And righteous anger too. I have worked in social services for 30 plus years and often with people who are homeless and now i find myself needing to shout even louder about the fact that personal failings or mental illness or whatever it is are less the cause of mass homelessness in our rich communities- like the one I live near- than corporate greed, the economy that’s punishes the humble and poor and rewards the greedy. And that’s what sickens me. And that’s one reason your son is still in prison. Corporate greed, moral bankruptcy and turning away from what is painful to see. I came here from a post about gratitude. It’s hard to be grateful in circumstances such as yours. I’m grateful I get to read powerful writing such as yours, and others I subscribe to. I wish you didn’t have anything to write about of course. I like this corner of the internet because it’s inhabited by thinkers and writers who take their time. Who aren’t just sound bites. I don’t remember sound bites but I do remember what I read here. I’m sorry for the long comment. Writing them once upon a time in Blogland prompted me to start my own blog, but so far I haven’t here. I’m glad your new year blog is about telling things how they really are, and I hope that helps you. Hugs. 🤗
Thank you for your transparency, beautifully rendered through the pain you are experiencing. I’m grateful that you can the power you have with words to share this truth. 🙏
So honest and real - thank you for sharing how hard this really is with us, in the midst of the mess. Fascinating about prisons being good salesmen... and honestly awfully depressing too.