So, What About Consequences?

"If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy." -John Bender

I am, in addition to being a prisoner’s mom, a mom to three other children (two of them adults and one still in elementary school), a masters level clinical psychologist, and a former public school employee.

Talk about conflicts of interest.

Everyone around me has always willingly shared their strong opinions about how we “manage” these kids. Many of them had no idea about my son or his story. I have often felt grossly misunderstood by everyone around me.

You might even be reading psychology in my bio and assume that I am a “softy” who thinks that the gentle parenting movement has all of the answers to the world’s problems.

I do not.

Yes, I have an advanced degree in human psychology and a valid state license that says I am an expert qualified to understand, diagnose, counsel others, and consult in human behavior. I can provide you with the scientific, neurobiological underpinnings of behavior and site child development research for days. In fact, I, myself, have trained hundreds of parents and educators in behavior “management.” As a therapist, my j-o-b was to meet with untold numbers of “difficult” kids both in private practice and within school walls.

So what.

I have also been the parent laying awake late into the night, staring at the ceiling, certain that I was not the right parent for my son and praying for God to just intervene.

At times, I have wanted to give up, run away, start life over. In my head, I have visited a life in which I never had kids in resentment and anger for the demands on my soul. I have long grieved the cost of addiction and legal matters upon the lives of my other children, and upon my marriage.

The toll of having an intense-outside-the-box kid is known only to those of us paying it. So, I’m not writing as a researched scholar with textbook outlines here, I am writing as a mom who has been and is fully in the arena.

I assure you, I do not have all of the answers.

I have perspective.

Zero Tolerance

We tried, America.

As highlighted in my son's story, our society attempted to link arms with drug enforcement campaigns from the early 90s when we, American taxpayers and schools, began creating and supporting comprehensive “Zero Tolerance” policies. We surmised that tougher punishment for first time offenders would dissuade other students from errant behaviors and make our schools safer.

What happened by the end of 1990s in our schools?

Columbine; 1999.

In the wake of this and other tragedies, suspensions and expulsions skyrocketed—even for a 10-year-old honor student whose mom accidently left a paring knife in her lunch box. That little girl was expelled in Utah. [Source] So was the 1st grader who bit his Pop Tart into the shape of a gun shortly after Sandy Hook. [Source]

From the satanic panic to zero tolerance, juvenile arrests and punishment went up. Sharply.

Even today, as I type this, more than 2.6 million American children are removed from school each year due to out-of-school suspension (and more than 40% of these are removed again before the year ends). More than 2.7 million experience in-school suspension, or temporary placement in an alternative classroom, and more than 100,000 students are expelled permanently. Each year. [Source and Source]

Rather than reducing the likelihood of disruption, research shows that school suspension, in general, appears to predict higher future rates of misbehavior and suspension. In the long term, school suspension and expulsion are also associated with a higher likelihood of school dropout and failure to graduate on time. [Source and Source]

That costs us ALL money and headache.

“Relative to individuals who complete high school, the average high school dropout costs the economy approximately $272,000 over his or her lifetime in terms of lower tax contributions, higher reliance on Medicaid and Medicare, higher rates of criminal activity, and higher reliance on welfare (Levin and Belfield 2007).” [Source]

The Times They Are A-Changin’

What is not seen after we are “tough on these kids” is the cost to the families and, by proxy, the community. Even if you don’t factor in the missed work days and health toll of having a kid in trouble, just look at the pocketbook drains:

• court fines for arrests

• attorney fees

• assessment for detention stays

• mental health care costs

• emergency room expenses

• probation costs

• ankle monitoring costs

• drug testing costs

• alternative schooling/tuition (including providing your own transportation, daily)

Even prior to incarceration, our family (and my son who always had a job), spent tens of thousands of dollars on treatment, fines and costs, probation expenses, mental health care, tuition, transportation, and attorney fees. We borrowed money. Family helped us. And we were lucky to have those abilities, as many do not.

While it is too late for my son and family to have benefited, individual states are now making progress with regard to how we address youth behavior concerns. As the mistakes of zero tolerance and the increases in juvenile court involvement came out in the data, education advocates and legislators took a cold splash of water to the face.

Tougher punishment was making things worse, for everyone.

Lest you think this is a solely a left-leaning perspective or pet project, I give you the Malcomb County, Michigan example:

Between 2017 and 2019, this majority Republican jurisdiction had charged parents/kids over $11.7 million in court fines and fees for juvenile court matters. They even garnished parent’s tax returns, and we are not talking about small sums.

One family owed over $100k.

So, after convening a task-force around the total uncollected $92 million for juvenile costs on the county books, they reversed course and forgave that debt. They started assessing their county’s kids differently and placing them in accountability programs that increased their chances of success (not punishment).

Residential care and confinement in Malcomb County are now reserved for truly dangerous circumstances, while the 10 and 12 year old’s who ran away are given care, eyes-on, and an opportunity to succeed with mentors, programs, and education.

Since 2021, 10 states have abolished fines and fees for kids caught up in legal proceedings (half of which are truancy and curfew violations), in favor of a community-based approach to accountability. They include Delaware, Illinois, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Maryland, Michigan, Montana, Oregon, and Washington.

Texas, Arizona, and Pennsylvania have made sweeping reforms as well, joining recent major overhauls to juvenile justice in Georgia, Hawaii, Kansas, Kentucky, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, and West Virginia.

Just this past year, our state made the Justice for Kids and Communities legislation a reality. *I hope my son's dogmatic prosecutor took careful notes.

However, if you have an intense, impulsive kiddo, you might want to stay out of South Carolina and Louisiana. They both recently repealed legislation that protected youth from being charged and housed as adults.

And then a well-meaning person says, “But I think you should have to pay for your stupid ‘choices’…”

Okay, like how much then?

Guidelines, Schmidelines

I recently read the case of a 17-year-old who was sentenced 37 years in prison for setting 2 fires during which no one was injured. It was his first time in trouble, and the sentencing guidelines for his crimes were 10-12 years. The judge in the case needed to be a hero and added more than double to his judgment. The towns-people applauded.

Was it a dangerous and stupid thing for an idiot kid to do? Yup.

But I thought of that boy’s mom, going from celebrating his recent soccer college scholarship to UCLA to visiting him in a max security prison, likely for the rest of her natural life. She is now trying to sleep knowing that her boy is locked in confined spaces with child rapists and career murderers.

Is this justice or Shylock’s pound of flesh?

Training

What is tempting right now is to share a PowerPoint of the trainings that I have long offered to educators and parents in the course my professional life. I have files and shelves full of fix-its and “what do I do with this kid” material.

For reference, I served as part of our state’s grant-funded Prevent 2 Protect programming, aimed at reducing school violence and school shootings. I was boots on the ground, so to speak, providing high-risk/high-need adolescents and their caregivers support in real time.

During my public school tenure, I was trained by our State Police’s Office of School Safety in a comprehensive K-12 Behavioral Threat Assessment and Management program. I was also in charge of creating and implementing an entire district’s early intervention to violence plan. When there were threats, I was called.

Likewise, my career has placed me beside exhausted, burnt out teachers in tears (others fuming). I have listened to good parents and grandparents who do not know what else to do. I, personally, have worked under all of the pressure and concerns of student behavior.

I get it, I really do.

Focus

But that is not the focus of my blog, and I do not currently have the bandwidth to unpack it all here. Our family’s story is far beyond what could-have, should-have been done by caring, thinking adults.

What has been shared this week is there to offer our backstory.

What I will do is list and link some of the most influential books and resources that helped me survive the most difficult years and changed my mind about being harsher and harsher in my approach to a kid hell-bent on pushing boundaries.

Frankly, without interventions like The Nurtured Heart Approach and increasing my knowledge of attachment theory, generational trauma, as well as owning my own [shit] in therapy and with good supports, I doubt I would have any relationship with my son today.

In spite of all that we have gone through, he is honest with me and he cares deeply about our relationship. Frankly, at the end of the day, that is all that we really have in this life anyway.

My Best Advice:

Stop Focusing on Everything That is “Going Wrong.”

Periodt.

The earlier in your child’s life, the better.

We human beings are wired to zoom in on what's going wrong, all day, every day. It's survival-based.

Facts: There can be a classroom of 25 beautifully listening children and we zero our focus in on the one who is wiggling. In an instant. We give all of the attention to a ‘misbehaving’ student and ignore the 24 others who are doing exactly what we asked them to do.

Punishment for “bad” stuff is easy, and we have created intricate systems to do so. The real question is: how often do we speak about the good we see in a child, AND (gasp) do it without trying to influence a behavior change?

We can choose to get hyper-focused on the things we already love about our kids. What we give energy to, grows.

When I look back over video footage and pictures of my intense kid during his childhood, I see how many early opportunities I missed to tell him what a smart, insightful, and strong kid he was. I missed his insatiable desire to be connected to other people. I rarely stopped to tell him how kind he was to our dogs and, yes, to other kids. I failed to show my true appreciation for his quick wit, his deep love of music, his hard work ethic, his willingness to try new things, and his strong desire to make others laugh.

He wanted what all of us want, to be accepted as he was. Frankly, I was too busy focusing on what he wasn’t.

Book List

Yes, there's much to be said about rules and boundaries. Yes, we need to outline consequences. That is another blog or class or book (see below). For a primer on the methodology that fundamentally changed my relationship with my son…

Educators, Watch Here.

Parents and families, listen to a great primer podcast HERE.

And here is a starter pack of books for any parent wanting to go a little deeper. Please feel free to add thoughts or other helpful recommendations in the comments!

Taking a Stand: The Art, Science, and Practice of Resetting (Gretsch, Strasberg, Lowenstein)

Codependent No More (Melody Beattie)

The Body Keeps the Score (Bessel Van der Kolk)

How to Know a Person (David Brooks)

The Myth of Normal (Gabor Mate)

Our Polyvagal World (Steven Porges & Seth Porges)

Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging (Junger)

The Attachment Theory Workbook (Chen)

For parenting:

Transforming The Difficult Child (Howard Glasser)

The Whole Brain Child (Dan Seigel)

Hold On To Your Kids (Gordon Neufeld)

Healthy Kids, Happy Kids (Elisa Song)

Last Child in the Woods (Richard Louv)

The Opt-Out Family (Erin Loechner)

Tribal Warriors: Life Skills to Optimize Well-Being for Teens (Blair, Lofrano)

For Mental Health:

Brain Energy (Christopher Palmer)

It Didn't Start With You (Wolynn)

Relationship Based Treatment of Children and Their Parents (Elizabeth Sylvester)

Stolen Focus (Johann Hari)

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (Gibson)

ADHD Without Drugs (Newmark, Weil)

ADHD Nation (Alan Schwartz)

*Black Sheep Mom is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a way for websites to earn revenues by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. Thank you for your continued support!