Another great read - thank you so much for sharing!
I, too, have struggled with the balance between consequences and accountability. When my own children were in school, I struggled with often feeling like the school administered punishment did not always fit the crime and did not appear very effective in adjusting behaviors. I remember my dtr in middle school being emotionally devastated by a boy cupping her, “credit card swipe”, at school during lunch, with no consequence and her begging me not to get him in trouble because everyone was already mad at her for “overreacting”. That got little attention by administration, but racial slurs or saying the f-word got you expelled and missing the end of the year class trip. I didn’t need him on a lifetime sex offender’s list, but a little more of a deterrent seemed appropriate.
As a parent, I feel like so much is trial and error, and what works for one child, doesn’t always work for another. I have spent a lifetime of wondering and 2nd guessing my past decisions, hoping that I didn’t make too many unhealthy decisions that ultimately negatively impacted my kids, but knowing that I have grown right along with them. I hope they can see that love was the biggest motivator, but my ignorance sometimes got in the way. I just hope my growth is a positive resource for my kids with my grandkids.
As always, your blogs make me think. I am heartened to see so many states vowing to do better and making a conscience effort to improve our current climate. Continued prayers for you and your family. I like their chances with you as their mom 🥰❤️
Thank you for reading, and sharing your thoughts! I found that we became so reliant on "what the cameras caught" that often incidences involving inappropriate hands-on or fighting came down to one student's word against another... and since there are few ACTUALLY restorative practices in place in most schools, there is no eye contact, no discussion, no apology, and certainly no attempt to have them understand the impact of what their actions cause to other people. That boy did not have to actually face your daughter's humiliation or hear her express what that did to her. Other students jump in while administration runs around checking stories... and the embarrassment for her grows. By the time we don't have "proof" or they're too overwhelmed to do anything, everyone moves on. Except the harmed student. I'm sorry that happened to her.
When we talk about restorative practices, it is that. Listen and apologize. Pay restitution in the form that those hurt request. FEEL something other than adults imposing rules. This is how we build empathy and healthy adults who can mess up, own their stuff, and reset to be back in right community.
Ok, I have promised not to soapbox here! Thank you again for your perspective and share.
This was my wife as a child and she is one of those stats…between what happened to her at school and at home she never thought an adult really gave much of a shit about her…most certainly none with authority. It most certainly played a huge role in her feelings on authority and caused fight or flight with them. Or when her and her siblings called authorities on their mom and instead of take her mom, took her to a mental facility. None of this was taken into account at her sentencing, none of her abuse at home, none of her awful punishments from school, nothing…instead she was given habitual offender status from a bail jumping charges and over charged by 5-10x the normal sentence. I’m certain she’s not the only one this happened to by far. 😢
I hear her story echoed over and over. I'm so sorry that is what life handed her. I'm also blown away by the chance that she has you, a champion, on her behalf. This is love, man. Thank you for seeing her, really seeing her.
As a former teacher I know - and tell other teachers all the time - that nothing, and I mean nothing, matters more than the relationships you establish with children. I have former students who will insist I was the “best” teacher back when I was new and clueless and had no idea how to present coherent instruction. I was ill-prepared and just trying to survive each day. But I *saw them* and that’s what they remember. I even had one former student who articulated it to me exactly that way. When I hear them talk now, knowing I really wasn’t a very good teacher in those early years from an instructional perspective, I understand the power of a trustworthy adult connecting with and validating children. It is critical. And harder to do with your own kid, too…it was much easier for me with students because I didn’t feel their challenges were a reflection on me. I so wish I had done a better job of working through that when my own kids were little. I would have been a much better mother.
Every word of this! I hear you about being able to do it for everyone else's kid. I lived and reacted in a lot of fear, which was based on others' opinions and judgment. Dang, I wish we knew as young parents how little that will matter. Thank you for being the one of teacher I LOVE. You changed lives and that is worth more than all of the money in the world.
I’m 82. And I still struggle with all that I did wrong with my sons. I feel ashamed for what I didn’t do. Or what I let others tell me I was doing wrong.
And then I have now seen twice the video out of NewYork? Of the young man harassing a young woman then picking her up body slamming her onto the cement then repeatedly kicking her in the head. What the hell is wrong here. How did this horror evolve?
And I have no idea where I’m going with this.
I guess in many ways it comes back to we do the best we can. We try. We worry. We need to look at the good behaviours more And hopefully give ourselves grace to look at and forgive ourselves for mistakes we purportedly made.
We definitely do the best we can, when we can. I remember you as a mom and I felt so loved in your home. Your boys knew their mom was long suffering and love to her core. I loved being with you all... your house was a ton of fun. I know we each live with private regrets. I don't think we can get out of this parenting thing without a desire to do some things better... but thank you for being like a mom to me in a season.
Also, yes, I saw that video. Appalling. Are we so desensitized to violence in this culture that this is how people act on the streets? Shameful. And I wonder if he was spanked. 🤔
This post makes so much sense. I cannot tell you how many of the guys I was around in prison had issues in childhood that were glossed over or became their faults. At the same time, I also met people like myself who had good childhoods, but nonetheless got caught up in dysfunction. The point should be that the earlier we can intervene to keep kids on the right path, the healthier adults they become.
Another great read - thank you so much for sharing!
I, too, have struggled with the balance between consequences and accountability. When my own children were in school, I struggled with often feeling like the school administered punishment did not always fit the crime and did not appear very effective in adjusting behaviors. I remember my dtr in middle school being emotionally devastated by a boy cupping her, “credit card swipe”, at school during lunch, with no consequence and her begging me not to get him in trouble because everyone was already mad at her for “overreacting”. That got little attention by administration, but racial slurs or saying the f-word got you expelled and missing the end of the year class trip. I didn’t need him on a lifetime sex offender’s list, but a little more of a deterrent seemed appropriate.
As a parent, I feel like so much is trial and error, and what works for one child, doesn’t always work for another. I have spent a lifetime of wondering and 2nd guessing my past decisions, hoping that I didn’t make too many unhealthy decisions that ultimately negatively impacted my kids, but knowing that I have grown right along with them. I hope they can see that love was the biggest motivator, but my ignorance sometimes got in the way. I just hope my growth is a positive resource for my kids with my grandkids.
As always, your blogs make me think. I am heartened to see so many states vowing to do better and making a conscience effort to improve our current climate. Continued prayers for you and your family. I like their chances with you as their mom 🥰❤️
Thank you for reading, and sharing your thoughts! I found that we became so reliant on "what the cameras caught" that often incidences involving inappropriate hands-on or fighting came down to one student's word against another... and since there are few ACTUALLY restorative practices in place in most schools, there is no eye contact, no discussion, no apology, and certainly no attempt to have them understand the impact of what their actions cause to other people. That boy did not have to actually face your daughter's humiliation or hear her express what that did to her. Other students jump in while administration runs around checking stories... and the embarrassment for her grows. By the time we don't have "proof" or they're too overwhelmed to do anything, everyone moves on. Except the harmed student. I'm sorry that happened to her.
When we talk about restorative practices, it is that. Listen and apologize. Pay restitution in the form that those hurt request. FEEL something other than adults imposing rules. This is how we build empathy and healthy adults who can mess up, own their stuff, and reset to be back in right community.
Ok, I have promised not to soapbox here! Thank you again for your perspective and share.
I don’t think it’s a soapbox - it seems more like a common sense approach with a better chance for success.
This was my wife as a child and she is one of those stats…between what happened to her at school and at home she never thought an adult really gave much of a shit about her…most certainly none with authority. It most certainly played a huge role in her feelings on authority and caused fight or flight with them. Or when her and her siblings called authorities on their mom and instead of take her mom, took her to a mental facility. None of this was taken into account at her sentencing, none of her abuse at home, none of her awful punishments from school, nothing…instead she was given habitual offender status from a bail jumping charges and over charged by 5-10x the normal sentence. I’m certain she’s not the only one this happened to by far. 😢
I hear her story echoed over and over. I'm so sorry that is what life handed her. I'm also blown away by the chance that she has you, a champion, on her behalf. This is love, man. Thank you for seeing her, really seeing her.
Thank you for talking about the uncomfortable, and the fears and frustrations we have as mamas. 💜 Amazing work!
Thanks, Tracy. The longer I write about this stuff…. the less alone I feel. I hope that's true for my readers as well. 🖤
As a former teacher I know - and tell other teachers all the time - that nothing, and I mean nothing, matters more than the relationships you establish with children. I have former students who will insist I was the “best” teacher back when I was new and clueless and had no idea how to present coherent instruction. I was ill-prepared and just trying to survive each day. But I *saw them* and that’s what they remember. I even had one former student who articulated it to me exactly that way. When I hear them talk now, knowing I really wasn’t a very good teacher in those early years from an instructional perspective, I understand the power of a trustworthy adult connecting with and validating children. It is critical. And harder to do with your own kid, too…it was much easier for me with students because I didn’t feel their challenges were a reflection on me. I so wish I had done a better job of working through that when my own kids were little. I would have been a much better mother.
Every word of this! I hear you about being able to do it for everyone else's kid. I lived and reacted in a lot of fear, which was based on others' opinions and judgment. Dang, I wish we knew as young parents how little that will matter. Thank you for being the one of teacher I LOVE. You changed lives and that is worth more than all of the money in the world.
I’m 82. And I still struggle with all that I did wrong with my sons. I feel ashamed for what I didn’t do. Or what I let others tell me I was doing wrong.
And then I have now seen twice the video out of NewYork? Of the young man harassing a young woman then picking her up body slamming her onto the cement then repeatedly kicking her in the head. What the hell is wrong here. How did this horror evolve?
And I have no idea where I’m going with this.
I guess in many ways it comes back to we do the best we can. We try. We worry. We need to look at the good behaviours more And hopefully give ourselves grace to look at and forgive ourselves for mistakes we purportedly made.
We definitely do the best we can, when we can. I remember you as a mom and I felt so loved in your home. Your boys knew their mom was long suffering and love to her core. I loved being with you all... your house was a ton of fun. I know we each live with private regrets. I don't think we can get out of this parenting thing without a desire to do some things better... but thank you for being like a mom to me in a season.
Also, yes, I saw that video. Appalling. Are we so desensitized to violence in this culture that this is how people act on the streets? Shameful. And I wonder if he was spanked. 🤔
This post makes so much sense. I cannot tell you how many of the guys I was around in prison had issues in childhood that were glossed over or became their faults. At the same time, I also met people like myself who had good childhoods, but nonetheless got caught up in dysfunction. The point should be that the earlier we can intervene to keep kids on the right path, the healthier adults they become.